


Hope

by rezi



Series: (Un)happy Ending [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Freedom Fighters, Gen, Hope, Post-Sburb, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four friends and a ghost live their lives in a universe where the Condesce rules, hoping they can reverse the damage she's done.<br/>And with a certain Page of Hope still alive, they might just manage it.</p><p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/953284">You Lost</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

> Be the trusted assistant.

Trusted assistant? Fanciest term for slave you ever heard.

You are now ROXY LALONDE, trusted assistant/slave to HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION, formerly known as JANE CROCKER.

)(-ER DIVINITY: let there be light motherglubber  
ROXY: yea yea  
ROXY: im on it

You focus yourself on the task you've performed daily for years now: illuminating the control room with an iridescent map of the galaxy.

They think this uses up all your attention. They're wrong.

You glance around the room to see )(-ER FABULOUS DIVINITY and HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION seated around a table, gaudy gems glinting in the light of your conjurings. Everything they wear matches (and clashes) - from the eyebrow rings that are threatening to relegate their respective facial features to "ring eyebrows", to the hot pink stiletto heels sharp enough to be used in impromptu assassinations. It's almost sickening how villainously friendly they are. In fact, there aren't many differences between them these days -- barring HER DIVINITY'S glorious horns and glossy gray skin. Your old BFFsy Jane hasn't caved in to a species change. Yet.

)(-ER DIVINITY: aight lets sea  
)(-ER DIVINITY: two more planets down 38D  
HER CONDESCENSION: Time to get our cookie planet goin, then?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: how about a S)(-----ELL Y-ES  
)(-ER DIVINITY: bout time we got ourselves some cookies in this corner a the empire  
HER CONDESCENSION: Oh _yes_.  
HER CONDESCENSION: A galaxy without a cookie planet is like a tiara without a gem.  
HER CONDESCENSION: That is to say, it can hardly be conchsidered a proper galaxy at all.  
)(-ER DIVINITY: u got it gurl  
)(-ER DIVINITY: lets get cookies up in this beach

You stick out your tongue behind their backs. Fuckin' batterwitches.

Sitting in a gold-plated, fuchsia-engraved highchair is JABE CROCKER, firstborn heir of the Crockercorp empire. He is currently dribbling his Betty Crocker-brand baby food all over his bib. A few meters away from the foot of the table is his father JAKE CROCKER, slumped on the floor and... mouthing words at thin air? Weird. But that's Jake for you.

JADE: you started without me? :(

And here's the bitch, just warped in from who-knows where. Mistress of terror and inquisitor supreme, JADE CROCKER is one of the most feared beings in the empire.

JADE: can i have a cookie?

She sits herself down next to Jane; the trio of annoyingness and stupidity is complete. This meeting's gonna be a _blast_.

)(-ER DIVINITY: where you been  
JADE: im sorry, i had a lot of prisoners to interrogate  
JADE: one of them bit me!  
JADE: so i bit him right back  
JADE: hes regretting that now :)  
HER CONDESCENSION: Excellent.  
HER CONDESCENSION: Anything else you wish us - or should I say fish us - to cover, Your Fabulous Divinity?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: na we pretty much done with the galactic conquest shit for today  
JAKE: _NO!_  
)(-ER DIVINITY: tha fuck

> Be the beloved husband.

Beloved husband? Rather dolled-up way to say "slave", isn't it?

You are now JAKE ENGLISH, and you are currently wearing LITTLE MORE THAN UNDERWEAR. As per usual, then.

)(-ER DIVINITY: let there be light motherglubber  
DIRK: Was she seriously referencing the Bible there?  
DIRK: Didn't even know there was a Troll Bible to reference.  
DIRK: Trolls, man. All these years, and I still don't understand what's up with them.

And here's your ghostly bro DIRK STRIDER. Except it's not really DIRK STRIDER, because DIRK STRIDER has been REDUCED TO ASH IN THE REMAINS OF A LONG-DEAD UNIVERSE. This is BRAIN GHOST DIRK, and you can't help but feel he's just a pale imitation of the real thing.

JAKE: (Yeah im fine bro thanks for asking!!!)  
DIRK: Oh, sorry, should I have announced myself?  
DIRK: "Hi, honey, I'm home"?  
JAKE: (Where have you been?)  
DIRK: Didn't particularly feel like being present for your latest encounter with Jane, so I decided to lie low for a bit.  
DIRK: To "lie back and think of Jake English", as it were.  
JAKE: (Har har NOT FUNNY!)  
DIRK: Ah. Right. Sorry.

At least he's slightly more courteous these days. When you two have to share your entire existences, you learn how to deal with each other.

And by slightly... you mean _very_ slightly.

JAKE: (To be quite honest i wouldnt mind it if you laid low a little more!)  
JAKE: (I hate to tell this to you straight bro but youre fintrusive at the best of times.)  
DIRK: Oh, okay.  
DIRK: I get it, I'll just consign myself to non-existence for the rest of eternity.  
DIRK: Basically kill all that's left of your best bro. All because you wanted a little peace and quiet.  
DIRK: Gotcha. I'll go dissipate now.  
JAKE: _NO!_  
)(-ER DIVINITY: tha fuck

Roxy's galactic map blinks out as she loses focus. In the dim light that's left behind, you're suddenly all too aware of three pairs of condescending eyes glaring straight at you.

DIRK: Oh shit.  
JAKE: (Thanks a lot buddy.)  
HER CONDESCENSION: He's been doing this a lot lately. I don't like it.  
JADE: who could he be talking to though?  
HER CONDESCENSION: I don't see anyone for him to be talkin to.  
HER CONDESCENSION: I know Miss Lalonde here has the power of finvisibility, but she's over here, isn't she?  
ROXY: he aint talkin to me  
ROXY: i know that much  
JADE: hmm  
JADE: sounds like shes telling the truth  
JADE: care to investigate your divinity?  
HER CONDESCENSION: Indeed. With your omniscience, you could figure out this irritating curiosity in an instant.  
)(-ER DIVINITY: cba  
)(-ER DIVINITY: aint that hard to work out anywave  
)(-ER DIVINITY: your toy boy is cray cray  
)(-ER DIVINITY: shrimple as  
JAKE: (You hear that? They think im crackers because of you!)  
DIRK: ... and you think you're _not_?  
JAKE: (Ugh. Thanks for the vote of confidence DOUCHE.)  
DIRK: You're welcome.  
DIRK: Just be thankful they don't know the truth. They'd probably kill you if they did.  
DIRK: And I'm fairly sure our good friend the Batterwitch here has the power somewhere to kill god tiers for good.  
DIRK: Jane can get a new sexy husband/slave, but you can't get a new life.  
JAKE: (I guess.)  
JAKE: (Looks like ill have to put up with you a while longer.)  
DIRK: There is a way to separate us, you know.  
JAKE: (Yeah yeah yeah all that malarkey about hidden potential and hope.)  
JAKE: (How the bejeezus am I going to find any hope here?)  
DIRK: Well, it's not all bad, is it?  
DIRK: You've still got your friends.  
DIRK: Even the asshole one's alright.  
HER CONDESCENSION: Now we're done with all that, I'm hungry.  
)(-ER DIVINITY: agreed  
)(-ER DIVINITY: why isnt the fuckin chef here yet

> Be the master chef.

YOU ARE ACTUALLY A FUCKING SLAVE. WE GET IT ALREADY.

You are now KARKAT VANTAS, dragging behind you a GILDED FUCHSIA TROLLEY covered with delicacies from all corners of the CROCKER EMPIRE, diligently cooked to perfection by you and your team for the delight of the members of the EMPRESSARIAL COURT. Plus a bit of slop for their slaves.

You shove open the door, lugging the unwieldy thing behind you:

KARKAT: HERE YOU GO, YOUR MAJESTIES, EARLY NUTRITION PLATTER IS READY.  
)(-ER DIVINITY: dont you use that lowblood language around us  
)(-ER DIVINITY: its fuckin filthy  
HER CONDESCENSION: Agreed. Call it what you like in whatever disgraceful hovel you reside in, but in the presence of Our Majesties it is "breakfast".

You have to physically bite your blabber muscle - sorry, your _tongue_ \- to stop yourself from launching into a lengthy tirade against them. You can even taste the shameful red blood leaking out as you place their plates on the table.

JADE: do you have any cookies?  
KARKAT: I REGRETFULLY MUST SAY THAT THERE ARE NONE.  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, MA'AM, NO ONE REQUESTED THEM.  
JADE: thats not good enough  
JADE: you should know by now that i love cookies  
KARKAT: MY APOLOGIES, INQUISITOR SUPREME, I'LL ENSURE THEY ARE SPECIALLY PREPARED FOR YOU NEXT TIME.  
JADE: nope, not good enough either  
JADE: how about i transport your hiveblock to outer space for the day and you find somewhere else to sleep for today  
JADE: i recommend one of the toilet blocks  
JADE: i think thatd make up for it :)

You bow "respectfully" so she doesn't see the look of utter contempt on your face. _Bitch._

JADE: nothing else for me then, thanks  
JADE: ive already eaten :)  
KARKAT: ANYTHING ELSE YOUR MAJESTIES WOULD LIKE?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: hang the fuck on  
)(-ER DIVINITY: vantas  
KARKAT: YES?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: this was manta be a chocolate souffle right  
KARKAT: YES IT WAS. WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: dont taste like any chocolate souffle i ever had  
)(-ER DIVINITY: musta put salt in instead a sugar  
)(-ER DIVINITY: its even sea salt, i can taste it  
)(-ER DIVINITY: ...  
)(-ER DIVINITY: who made this  
KARKAT: THAT WAS MUZUKA SHIIDA.  
)(-ER DIVINITY: reely  
)(-ER DIVINITY: hmm  
)(-ER DIVINITY: jade  
JADE: yes your highness?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: find this shiida gill and have her promoted  
KARKAT: WHAT?!  
)(-ER DIVINITY: what do you mean what  
)(-ER DIVINITY: this shit tastes like ocean waves in souffle form  
)(-ER DIVINITY: its fuckin tasty is what i mean  
)(-ER DIVINITY: use this recipe from now on  
)(-ER DIVINITY: and jade  
JADE: yes?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: i reckon we give this muzuka shiida a nice new hive too  
)(-ER DIVINITY: get onto it  
JADE: of course!

And she warps out of here, leaving you feeling stunned.

Then angry.

Batter _bitch._

Controlling your temper - which requires superhuman/supertrollian effort, considering how angry you are now - you continue:

KARKAT: ANYTHING ELSE, YOUR HIGHNESSES?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: nah im good  
HER CONDESCENSION: Might we be allowed into the kitchen for a bit of a bake later?  
KARKAT: WHEN? YOU WERE PLANNING A FEAST FOR TONIGHT, WE STILL NEED TIME TO PREPARE THAT.  
)(-ER DIVINITY: well get out half an hour before that then  
KARKAT: YOU'RE GIVING US ***HALF AN HOUR*** TO--  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, I DOUBT THAT THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU ARE ALLOTTING US WILL BE SUFFICIENT IN ORDER TO PREPARE A FEAST LIVING UP TO YOUR ASSUREDLY *IMPECCABLE* STANDARDS.  
HER CONDESCENSION: Well, you can _make_ it enough time.  
HER CONDESCENSION: I'm sure that, when put up against a deadline as tight as that, you'll be able to salmon up the strength to rustle up something as shrimple as a feast for us.  
HER CONDESCENSION: You're a good cook, Karkat. Start actin like one.

No, forget that, _she's_ the bitch.

You think you might just settle on the decisive label of "COMPLETE AND UTTER BULGE-SUCKING SHITFACED BITCH" for _all_ the royal family, in fact.

Apart from Jabe, of course. He's too young and innocent to be as much of a monster as they are. You put his cinnamon-spiced apple pulp in front of him - you made sure you prepared that one yourself.

And... his father. You don't really know how to describe Jake. Definitely not a bitch. But not normal, either.

He's in the middle of whispering to thin air again when you bring his daily gruel over, which he receives... one finger on left hand, three fingers on right. Right. That means normal meeting today at 3pm. You give him a nigh-imperceptible nod to say you've understood, then move on.

Roxy gets a bowl too: given with one finger on the left hand, three fingers on the right. Your eyes meet for a second - just short enough so no one suspects a thing, but long enough to make sure the arrangement's confirmed. Then you have to break apart. Back to business.

And back to the kitchen you go.

HER CONDESCENSION: Weren't we gettin new slave uniforms designed?  
)(-ER DIVINITY: oh yea  
HER CONDESCENSION: Demeanin to them though it is, I'm gettin bored of them all wearing brown all the time.  
HER CONDESCENSION: Lalonde?  
ROXY: wat  
HER CONDESCENSION: Try again.  
ROXY: k fine  
ROXY: "what do you request of me your imperious condescension"  
HER CONDESCENSION: Go fetch the seamstress, will you?  
HER CONDESCENSION: Tell her to bring the new slave outfits.  
ROXY: yea whatevs  
HER CONDESCENSION: No.  
ROXY: ugh  
ROXY: "yes your exquisite highness i shall do exactly as you command"  
HER CONDESCENSION: That's betta.

> Be the expert seamstress.

An expert seamstress is exactly what you are. And you are a slave to no one.

You are now KANAYA MARYAM, and you are working away - but definitely not slaving away. It's fortunate that your eternal task happened to be a beloved hobby of yours; you could dip needle through fabric for hours on end, day in, day out. Boredom never comes - rather, it relaxes and focusses you.

Not everyone is so lucky.

ROXY: sup cancan  
KANAYA: Hello Roxy  
ROXY: batterwitch wants those uniform designs  
KANAYA: Ah Yes  
KANAYA: Over Here

You guide her over to the back of your cramped, yet orderly, room to [two troll mannequins bearing your new designs, illuminated by your glow](http://i.imgur.com/oTdJfJO.png). 

ROXY: oooooo nice  
ROXY: i thought theyd request something sparkly tho?  
KANAYA: Oh No Thats Saved For Our _Distinguished Royalty_  
KANAYA: When Designing For The Serving Classes I Am Allowed Virtually Free Rein  
KANAYA: As Long As They Find The Designs To Be Unattractive  
KANAYA: (meaning with even a modicum of objectively decent taste)  
KANAYA: Because As You Can See I Am Obviously Of The Viewpoint That These Designs Are Hideous  
KANAYA: Obviously Appropriate For The Lowest Of The Low  
ROXY: oh yeah  
ROXY: official retraction of my "oo nice"  
ROXY: more like  
ROXY: oooooo nasty  
ROXY: totes appropro 4 tha slaves yo  
KANAYA: Indeed  
KANAYA: If Youll Just Assist Me

You take one of the mannequins, and gesture for Roxy to do the same. As she reaches to take the mannequin, you notice her hands very pointedly making the signal -- one finger on her left hand, three fingers on her right. You make a mental note of it, remembering to leave 3pm free.

Not mentioning the meeting in case someone is listening in, you carry on down the corridors of the Battleship Condescension.

ROXY: karks gonna hate em tho  
KANAYA: Why  
ROXY: cuz they look like dresses  
KANAYA: Theyre Tunics!  
KANAYA: And He Can Wear What He Wishes Underneath  
KANAYA: Really Anything Would Be Preferable To Sackcloth  
ROXY: tru  
ROXY: but u know hes gonna throw a tantrum anyway  
KANAYA: Oh Yes I Was Fully Expecting That  
KANAYA: If You Expect A Tantrum From Karkat As A Reaction To Anything Then Youre Probably On The Right Track  
ROXY: hehe :)

You walk past Karkat rushing about with an empty trolley on the way back to the royal room. When he catches sight of the tunics, you manage to individually pinpoint each picturesque stage of his reaction: curiosity, confusion, realization, horror and rage. As you continue on in your opposite directions, you and Roxy only just manage to stop laughing before you reach the imperial chamber.

As days go after an unhappy ending, today looks like it'll be a good one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Noticed quite a way through planning this just how similar this concept is to the Doctor Who episode Last of the Time Lords. Unintentionally. Obviously that was just my natural innate Whovianness bleeding through. But yes, hence the (very) unofficial soundtrack to this chapter is ["I Can't Decide" by the Scissor Sisters](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFKUnfwBPTU). (Were the lyrics on that video written by Kanaya?) Because, [y'know](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbb56jZo0rE).
> 
> Anyways. I've managed to get past (most) of my writer's block -- now it only takes me around an hour devising what a troll mannequin would be like, rather than an entire day.  
> The thing is, very little is actually getting finished! Seriously, I have so much fanfic material floating about, just none of it in a vaguely publishable form.  
> [So](http://i.imgur.com/3nK967n.png) [here,](http://i.imgur.com/U0ilJDQ.png) [have](http://i.imgur.com/2ezOrxW.png) [a](http://i.imgur.com/PQUfEb0.png) [bunch](http://i.imgur.com/GspeQj0.png) [of](http://i.imgur.com/A8Fs6PK.png) [previews](http://i.imgur.com/OUDO3Ai.png) [of](http://i.imgur.com/nL9YERM.png) [various](http://i.imgur.com/T1qbydv.png) [things](http://i.imgur.com/fKB1klC.png) [instead.](http://i.imgur.com/oDFa1VM.png)
> 
>  


	2. Chapter 2

ROXY: eyyy jakey boy  
KARKAT: OH, HERE'S BANANA BOY!  
KANAYA: Would You Mind Providing Us With A Reason For Your Tardiness  
KANAYA: Its Just That We Were Becoming Rather Anxious  
JAKE: Oh sorry chums!  
JAKE: Its just that jane... well she wanted my services for a bit.  
ROXY: ah  
KANAYA: I See  
KANAYA: No Further Questions To Ask Then  
KANAYA: Come Join Us  
JAKE: Ooh we have cushions today?  
JAKE: Splendid!  
KANAYA: Yes I Thought Id Liven This Dingy Hideyhole Up At Least A Little  
KANAYA: Allow Us To Make Ourselves Comfortable  
KARKAT: YES, BECAUSE CUSHIONS MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN ENSLAVED BY AN EVIL SEA QUEEN WHO TREATS ME LIKE SHIT! THE TEAM I WORK WITH COULD WIN THE INTERGALACTIC MORON OLYMPICS, AND THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I CAN ACTUALLY TALK TO CAN BE COUNTED ON ONE HAND!  
KARKAT: I'VE EVEN BEEN FORCED TO BE IMMORTAL, SO THERE IS LITERALLY NO ESCAPE FROM THIS EVER! WOW, THE FUN NEVER STOPS!  
KARKAT: BUT HEY, EVERYTHING'S OKAY, BECAUSE I HAVE THIS CUSHION.  
KARKAT: AND IT'S GRAY.  
KARKAT: AND... SURPRISINGLY FLUFFY.  
KANAYA: I Knew Youd Like It  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT'S OKAY, WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T LIKE, THOUGH? THOSE FUCKING NEW SLAVE UNIFORMS!  
KANAYA: Must I Tell You Again  
KANAYA: They Are Not Dresses  
KARKAT: NO, NO, THEY'RE TUNICS OR SOME SHIT. I GET THAT.  
KARKAT: BUT...  
KARKAT: WHY.  
KARKAT: WHY TUNICS.  
KARKAT: WHY.  
KANAYA: I Think You Look Rather Fetching In Yours  
KARKAT: [THIS LOOKS RATHER FETCHING????](http://i.imgur.com/KUivxQ4.png)  
ROXY: no ur wearing it wrong  
ROXY: u gotta do it  
ROXY: like  
ROXY: [THIS](http://i.imgur.com/xG1F3kr.png)  
ROXY: now THATS fetching  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, ROXY, BUT EVEN YOU LOOK LIKE A BEHEMOTH IN THESE THINGS.  
ROXY: i think  
ROXY: the best thing about these outfits is karks reaction to em  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.  
ROXY: drama queen  
KARKAT: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.  
ROXY: hmmmmmmmmm  
ROXY: nah  
KARKAT: FUCKING TAKE THAT BACK ALREADY!!!!!!  
ROXY: karks  
ROXY: ur just provin my point u kno  
KANAYA: Yes It May Be In Your Best Interests To Preserve What Little Dignity You Have Left  
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE.  
KARKAT: ... I'M SORRY.  
KARKAT: THESE THINGS JUST AREN'T TO MY PERSONAL TASTE, OKAY?????  
KANAYA: Thats Quite Alright  
KANAYA: Maybe Having Them Historically Inspired Was Not The Best Idea  
JAKE: Well anythings better than what i have to wear.  
KARKAT: OH YEAH...  
JAKE: Sorry if i was distracted a bit there!  
KARKAT: WHAT EVEN IS THERE TO BE DISTRACTED BY?  
JAKE: Um.  
ROXY: + all ur yellin at nothin earlier  
ROXY: wat was that about  
JAKE: Well.  
KANAYA: What Yelling  
ROXY: jakey boy screamin NO at thin air at breakfast time  
KANAYA: Hmm  
JAKE: Uh.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, BRO, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  
ROXY: batterwitch thinks youve gone mad  
KANAYA: You May Confide In Us  
KANAYA: We Only Wish To Assist  
JAKE: I...  
JAKE: Ok.  
JAKE: Im kind of...  
JAKE: Haunted.

> Be the phantom.

Nah.

> Please?

Don't feel like it.

> It's not like you've got anything better to do.

Fine.

You are now DIRK STRIDER, and you have been TRAPPED IN YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND'S MIND for about FIVE YEARS now.

And you gotta say, it's been PRETTY SHITTY SO FAR. LIFE - or, y'know, SEMI-EXISTENCE AS AN EXTENSION OF HIS CONSCIOUSNESS WITHOUT ANY PHYSICAL FORM - stuck in the passenger seat with little control over where the driver HAS the car - which is obviously your life, in this extended driving-based metaphor you're constructing here... and have kinda lost control of...

But what you're trying to say is, you don't have control over anything that happens to you. And for a control freak like you, it's pretty much a living hell.

So you're completely justified in messing with this dumbass's head from time to time, just for fun. Right?

JAKE: Ooh we have cushions today?  
JAKE: Splendid!  
DIRK: Yeah. Cushions. Whoopee.  
DIRK: Well, not as in the sense of them being actual whoopee cushions.  
DIRK: Though, y'know, they might be...  
DIRK: Might wanna be careful sitting down on that one.  
DIRK: The second you think you can trust your fashionista friend, she's got you ripping hells of flatulence for everyone to hear.  
DIRK: And suddenly there goes your reputation. You will be forever remembered to Roxy and the shouty one as the guy who stank up our entire voidy cupboard place.  
DIRK: The Farty Pooper, so to speak.  
DIRK: Think carefully before you make this decision, bro. Don't sit down until you're absolutely sure you're willing to risk this.  
DIRK: Whoopee cushions.  
DIRK: Not even once.  
DIRK: I am so fucking bored.  
JAKE: (I just sat down on it and everything was fine.)  
DIRK: Yeah, I was messing with you, dude.  
JAKE: (Why do you keep doing this? It really pisses me off.)  
DIRK: Because I'm trapped in your miserable life.  
DIRK: What else am I gonna do? Just sit back, go with the flow and accept that I'll never be able to do anything for myself again?  
DIRK: I choose to annoy the shit out of you because it's the only choice I have left.  
JAKE: (Well couldnt you choose to be nice to me then? Actually cheer me up for a change? Make things better?)  
DIRK: Ha. This is me you're talking about. As if I'm gonna be able to do that.  
DIRK: Messing with people is all I've ever been able to fucking well do, so I may as well enjoy it.  
JAKE: (Ok i get that you have a real humdinger of a problem with basically friggin everything but can i at least enjoy a good chinwag with my pals here?)  
JAKE: (Without you spoiling it for once?)  
JAKE: (Ive missed everything now...)  
KARKAT: THESE THINGS JUST AREN'T TO MY PERSONAL TASTE, OKAY?????  
KANAYA: Thats Quite Alright  
KANAYA: Maybe Having Them Historically Inspired Was Not The Best Idea  
JAKE: Well anythings better than what i have to wear.  
KARKAT: OH YEAH...  
JAKE: Sorry if i was distracted a bit there!  
KARKAT: WHAT EVEN IS THERE TO BE DISTRACTED BY?  
JAKE: Um.  
DIRK: Don't mind me...  
ROXY: + all ur yellin at nothin earlier  
ROXY: wat was that about  
JAKE: Well.  
DIRK: Oh lord.  
KANAYA: What Yelling  
ROXY: jakey boy screamin NO at thin air at breakfast time  
KANAYA: Hmm  
JAKE: Uh.  
DIRK: Yeah, you're in for a tough explanation.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, BRO, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  
ROXY: batterwitch thinks youve gone mad  
KANAYA: You May Confide In Us  
KANAYA: We Only Wish To Assist  
JAKE: I...  
DIRK: Go on, then.  
JAKE: Ok.  
JAKE: Im kind of...  
JAKE: Haunted.  
DIRK: "Haunted"?  
DIRK: Wow. Way to over-dramatize things, bro.  
JAKE: Shut up!  
KARKAT: SHUT UP?  
KARKAT: I DON'T THINK ANYONE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING...  
JAKE: Not you! Him!  
ROXY: who  
JAKE: Dirk!  
KARKAT: DIRK?????  
ROXY: wat  
KANAYA: I Do Not Fully Comprehend What Is Occurring Here  
DIRK: Nice going, dude. A+ job so far. With a sticker.  
JAKE: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: Excuse Me  
KANAYA: I Was Only Voicing My Confusion  
JAKE: Im sorry i dont mean you!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???????  
ROXY: ok ok every1 just calm ur tits  
ROXY: titless company included  
KARKAT: BUT--  
ROXY: karkat  
ROXY: deep breath  
KARKAT: FFFFFFFFF...  
ROXY: and let it out  
KARKAT: HHHHHHHHH...  
ROXY: ok were good  
ROXY: now jake  
ROXY: what the eff is going on  
JAKE: Its going to be hard to explain.  
ROXY: we got time  
ROXY: we do got time right  
KARKAT: YEAH, I'M FINE FOR TIME.  
KANAYA: As Am I  
ROXY: so jake  
ROXY: regale us with jakey stories  
ROXY: the jaketales  
ROXY: r u sittin comfortably  
KANAYA: Good Thing I Supplied Us With Cushions  
ROXY: haha yea  
DIRK: Come on, Jake.  
DIRK: You can tell them anything. Because they have cushions.  
JAKE: Alright.  
JAKE: Well.  
JAKE: Um...  
DIRK: Yeah, still not very explanatory.  
JAKE: Can you shut up for once dag nabbit! Im trying to explain ok!  
KANAYA: We All Already Are "Shut Up"  
JAKE: Im talking to dirk ok?  
ROXY: dirk???  
JAKE: Yeah. Um.  
JAKE: Theres this splinter of dirk thats got himself holed up in my head.  
JAKE: And he wont stop bugging me!  
KARKAT: ... SERIOUSLY?  
KARKAT: THAT'S WHO YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO ALL THIS TIME????  
JAKE: Yes seriously!  
KARKAT: FUCKING HELL.  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: This Is Quite The Revelation  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: Roxy  
KANAYA: Are You Alright  
ROXY: oh  
ROXY: em  
ROXY: GEE  
ROXY: dirk can u hear me??????  
DIRK: Yup.  
ROXY: can he hear me?????  
JAKE: He said yup.  
ROXY: AAAAAAAAAAAAA <3  
ROXY: DIRK IVE MISSED U SO SO SOSOSOSOSOSO MUCHHHHH  
ROXY: jake im huggin u but this is actually 2 dirk k  
JAKE: Um... right.  
ROXY: wat does he say 2 the hug???????  
DIRK: What am I meant to say to a hug?  
DIRK: Just make something up for me, will you?  
JAKE: Uh. He says thanks?  
ROXY: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG  
KARKAT: OKAY, OKAY, I HATE TO BREAK UP THE HAPPY REUNION, BUT THERE'S ONE REALLY FUCKING PRESSING QUESTION HERE.  
KARKAT: IS "DIRK" EVEN REAL????  
DIRK: Dude, I am fucking realer than you are.  
JAKE: Well he says yes.  
KARKAT: OH, "HE" "SAYS" YES.  
KARKAT: BUT HOW ARE WE TO KNOW HE'S NOT JUST SOME DELUSION YOUR CRAZY MIND THOUGHT UP?  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, MISSING HIM SO MUCH YOUR BRAIN CREATES A MENTAL COPY TO COPE.  
KARKAT: IT'D BE UNDERSTANDABLE, GIVEN ALL THE TRAGEDY YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH.  
JAKE: But hes been here for years!  
KARKAT: THEN IT'S A LONGSTANDING PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITION.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GET OUR HOPES UP.  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, JAKE, BUT HE'S PROBABLY LITTLE MORE THAN A PHANTOM.  
DIRK: Can I punch this guy?  
DIRK: Or, can you punch him for me?  
DIRK: It really sucks being intangible while some asshole keeps insisting I'm not real.  
JAKE: Well i dont know if any of thats true or not.  
JAKE: But dirk is pretty incensed at all this stuff youre saying!  
KARKAT: WELL, OBVIOUSLY. PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF-DEFENSE.  
KARKAT: YOU THINK HE'S REAL, SO THE PHANTOM KEEPS ASSERTING THAT HE'S REAL.  
DIRK: Are you hearing this guy? He may as well be asking for a phantom uppercut.  
ROXY: karks dont be such a spoilsport :(  
DIRK: Thank you.  
KARKAT: ROXY, PLEASE, JUST FACE THE FUCKING FACTS.  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF JAKE, FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON, ACTUALLY PLAYING HOST TO WHATEVER'S LEFT OF DIRK STRIDER'S SOUL???  
DIRK: Pretty fucking high, actually.  
ROXY: could be like  
ROXY: some hopey thing  
KANAYA: Actually  
KANAYA: That Is What I Was Wondering  
KANAYA: May I Vocalize My Hypothesis  
KARKAT: YEAH, SURE, GO AHEAD.  
KANAYA: Ive Just Been Recalling What I Have Heard About Dirk  
KANAYA: He Is A Mage Of Heart Is He Not  
ROXY: prince  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Actually That May Be Even More Fitting  
KANAYA: I Have A Wealth Of Detailed Knowledge Of The Games Titles  
KANAYA: From When I Was Compiling The Journal Of Our Joint Session With  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: Anyway Jakes Statement Posited That This Phantom Of Dirk Was A Splinter  
KANAYA: Now This May Have Been His Logical Rationalization  
KANAYA: The Brain Tends To Rationalize In Such Immediately Inexplicable Scenarios  
DIRK: Damn. And she was going so well.  
KANAYA: However I Am Inclined To Think That Is Not The Case  
DIRK: Oh?  
KANAYA: And The Combination Of Their Two Classes And Aspects Points To It Being The Genuine Truth  
DIRK: Finally, someone fucking gets it!  
KANAYA: Would It Not Make Sense For A Prince Of Heart  
KANAYA: Someone Who Fractures Their Own Self  
KANAYA: To Subsequently Host It In One Who Has A Chance Of Instilling Existence In It By Belief  
ROXY: good points eh kark  
KARKAT: HMM...  
KARKAT: STILL NOT SURE.  
DIRK: God dammit, what will it take for this guy to believe already?  
KARKAT: WHY DIRK, ANYWAY?  
KARKAT: WHY NOT... NEPETA OR SOMEONE?  
KARKAT: I'D BE OKAY WITH NEPETA, I ACTUALLY *KNOW* NEPETA.  
KARKAT: BUT NO, IT'S SOME GUY WHO I ONLY EVER SAW ONCE.  
KARKAT: JUST PRIOR TO HIM GETTING BLASTED TO DEATH WITH EYEBEAMS.  
DIRK: Oh, yeah, that's real fucking sympathetic. Bring up my horrendous, gory death, why don't you.  
JAKE: Oh christ i remember that...  
KANAYA: I Think I Am Not Wrong In Assuming  
KANAYA: We All Do  
KANAYA: Seeing Old Friends And Acquaintances Turned To Ash  
KANAYA: Is Not Something One Forgets Easily  
ROXY: oh my god  
ROXY: it was  
ROXY: oh god  
KARKAT: ROXY?  
ROXY: hug  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT IT UP.  
KARKAT: BUT MAYBE...  
KARKAT: HMMMMM.  
KARKAT: JAKE, DOES YOUR DIRK REMEMBER BEING THE REAL DIRK?  
KARKAT: RIGHT UP UNTIL HIS DEATH?  
DIRK: I hate all that "real Dirk" shit.  
DIRK: I'm the realest Dirk you're gonna get right now. Or ever again.  
JAKE: You remember though dont you?  
DIRK: Yeah, all the memories transferred on his - my - death.  
JAKE: He remembers.  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: THEN...  
KARKAT: HE'LL REMEMBER WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE IN THE INCINERATION CHAMBER WITH HIM, RIGHT?  
DIRK: Oh god.  
KARKAT: DOES HE REMEMBER?  
DIRK: Clear as day.  
JAKE: Yes.  
KARKAT: THEN...  
KARKAT: IF HE CAN TELL US...  
KARKAT: THAT'LL PROVE IT. FOR ME.  
KARKAT: AND... MAYBE FINALLY GIVE US SOME GOD DAMNED CLOSURE ALREADY.  
ROXY: tell us about john  
KANAYA: About Rose  
KARKAT: ABOUT DAVE.  
KARKAT: JUST... ANYONE. EVERYONE.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Alright.  
DIRK: John, you probably saw on the video link, he was unconscious.  
DIRK: They knocked him out with a crowbar, which apparently stopped him zapping away like he kept doing.  
DIRK: Wouldn't have felt a thing when the end came.  
DIRK: Lucky bastard.  
DIRK: You gonna report back, then?  
JAKE: Ok...  
JAKE: John was unconscious. Theyd knocked him out.  
JAKE: He got a painless death.  
KARKAT: HOPELESS FOOL. DESERVED A PEACEFUL DEATH, AFTER ALL THAT.  
KARKAT: HE WAS FIGHTING TILL THE END. LONG AFTER WE ALL REALISED THERE WAS NO POINT.  
KARKAT: UTTERLY STUPID, BUT I STILL RESPECT HIM FOR IT.  
ROXY: i met him  
ROXY: just once  
ROXY: but he was the nicest guy ive ever met  
ROXY: + a complete dork  
ROXY: i couldnt help but love him  
DIRK: Rose... Rose was awake. But silent.  
DIRK: Holding this thing in her hands. I think it might have been a scarf? She was holding it too close to her for me to get a good view.  
DIRK: She didn't talk. Hardly moved. Just closed her eyes and waited for the end.  
DIRK: I tried to put an arm around her at one point. Seeing as I'm her father and everything. Thought that would be an appropriate thing to do to comfort her.  
DIRK: But she just shuffled away.  
DIRK: I guess she never knew me well enough.  
DIRK: A few seconds before the end, she finally opened her eyes to look at Dave.  
DIRK: And the two of them just stayed there looking at each other, and I could see the tears in their eyes.  
DIRK: They weren't even bothering to hide them any more.  
DIRK: Speaking of Dave...  
DIRK: I'd always known that if I was ever about to die, I'd look death in the eye.  
DIRK: Shades off. No hiding my eyes any more. No point.  
DIRK: I tried to convince Dave to do the same.  
DIRK: But he'd just shake his head. Wouldn't speak. I guess he'd known that if he spoke, I'd hear his voice tearing up.  
DIRK: He wanted to seem strong for the end, even if he really wasn't strong inside.  
DIRK: But like I said... a few seconds before the end, he did it.  
DIRK: Shared one final look with his sister in complete honesty. Not a single secret between them.  
DIRK: I was barely involved. Guess I was never really much of a parent to either of them.  
DIRK: I failed, in that respect.  
DIRK: But they had each other. I had no one.  
DIRK: And then we were gone.  
DIRK: Because we'd all been trying to fight and save our session, the game counted it as heroic.  
DIRK: Every last one of us.  
DIRK: So. Tell them that, then.  
JAKE: Alright.  
JAKE: Rose was holding a scarf close to her. She had tears in her eyes but refused to let dirk comfort her. She had her eyes closed but opened them in her final moments to look at dave.  
ROXY: she was a scarf girl too huh  
ROXY: i bet wed have got on great  
KANAYA: Rose Adored Scarves  
KANAYA: She Told Me Once  
KANAYA: That They Reminded Me Of Her Mother  
ROXY: oh... of course  
KANAYA: Once She Was Trying To Teach Me Knitting  
KANAYA: And The First Thing I Made For Her Was A Scarf  
KANAYA: Velvet Purple And Jade Green  
KANAYA: Her Two Favorite Colors  
KANAYA: It Was Hardly Well Made But She Treasured It  
KANAYA: Maybe It Is A Vain Hope To Imagine That Is What She Was Holding  
KANAYA: It Doesnt Matter Now Anyway  
KANAYA: Its Gone  
KANAYA: And So Is She  
JAKE: Dirk tried to convince dave to take his shades off and look death in the eye like a man.  
JAKE: But he couldnt at first. He wanted to keep seeming strong even when he really wasnt.  
JAKE: Then in the last few moments he took them off to share a final look with rose.  
JAKE: They were still like that with tears in both of their eyes when they died.  
ROXY: oh my god  
ROXY: my children  
ROXY: my children are so so brave and now theyre dead  
ROXY: and i never even got to meet them  
ROXY: just watch them die over a blurry video link  
ROXY: karkat  
KARKAT: HUG AGAIN?  
ROXY: yeah  
ROXY: hey  
ROXY: you knew em didnt you  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: COUPLE OF PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL ASSHOLES THEY WERE.  
KARKAT: AND I WAS GOING TO BE SKEPTICAL ABOUT ALL THIS BUT...  
KARKAT: THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH LIKE THEM TO BE A LIE.  
KARKAT: JAKE, I BELIEVE YOU.  
KARKAT: I HAD TO TURN INTO A FUCKING BLUBBERING WRECK IN THE PROCESS OF BELIEVING YOU, BUT IT HAPPENED.  
DIRK: Finally.  
ROXY: tighter hug?  
KARKAT: OH GOD, YES.  
KARKAT: HEY, ROXY... I GOTTA ASK YOU SOMETHING.  
KARKAT: CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU?  
DIRK: The guy's direct, I'll give him that.  
ROXY: heh  
ROXY: thought youd never ask ;)  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, NOT LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: IT'S JUST... WEREN'T YOU THERE?  
KARKAT: JADE TOOK MY HIVEBLOCK, AND NOW I NEED A PLACE TO SLEEP.  
KARKAT: AND I THINK YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP IN THE GAPER BLOCK LIKE SHE TOLD ME TO.   
KARKAT: YOU'VE GOT YOUR VOIDY POWERS, SO THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND US TOGETHER.  
KARKAT: AND NOW, AFTER ALL THIS TODAY...  
KARKAT: NOW I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER.  
ROXY: got it  
ROXY: lets spend the night together  
ROXY: with all ive heard today i think i could do with some all-night hugs  
DIRK: Just hugs? Really?  
JAKE: (Sssh!)  
DIRK: Yeah, whatever.  
DIRK: Not like they can hear me.  
DIRK: I'm safe.  
JAKE: Dirk just said "just hugs? Really?" in a really snarky tone.  
DIRK: You traitor.  
ROXY: im totes glaring in the direction of dirk fyi  
DIRK: Not even close.  
JAKE: Hes actually over here.  
DIRK: You double traitor.  
KANAYA: I Feel As Though This Conversation Has Utterly Outmaneuvered My Constructive Involvement  
KANAYA: Ill Return To My Hiveblock For Work I Guess  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS I'LL GET TO WORK WITH MY TEAM.  
KARKAT: WHIP THOSE ASSHOLES INTO ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.  
ROXY: janes probs throwin a tantrum  
ROXY: ill go check up on her  
JAKE: Ill uh...  
DIRK: Go cry in your room?  
JAKE: Do something.  
KARKAT: LOOK AFTER JABE?  
JAKE: Yes!  
DIRK: Jabe's probably crying in his room, come to think of it.  
DIRK: We are such awful fathers.  
JAKE: (Hey, dont make me feel guilty!)  
DIRK: Just saying the truth.  
KARKAT: ROXY, I'LL SEE YOU AFTER THEIR CONDESCENSIONS' DINNER, YEAH?  
ROXY: wouldnt miss it for the world ;)

> Hours in the future...

Though only a handful.

ROXY: heeeeeeey karks!

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are IN THE RESPITEBLOCK OF A RATHER ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. Fucking hell.

ROXY: void bubble up  
ROXY: covers the whole room  
ROXY: no one gonna disturb us 2nite  
KARKAT: FUCKING HELL.  
ROXY: hm?  
ROXY: what kinda fucking hell was that then  
KARKAT: NOTHING.  
KARKAT: JUST YOUR BASIC, RUN OF THE MILL FUCKING HELL.  
ROXY: orrrrr  
ROXY: you were just sayin what this room will become 2nite ;)  
KARKAT: FUCKING ***HELL.***  
ROXY: exactly  
ROXY: this is gonna be hot as hell  
ROXY: + i dont really need 2 explain the other part do i??? ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

You feel like your think pan may be in meltdown.

ROXY: cant get my voidy bubble very far when im sleepin  
ROXY: youll have 2 get  
ROXY: reeeeeeeeal close 2 me  
KARKAT: REAL CLOSE.  
ROXY: reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllll close  
KARKAT: REAL CLOSE. I GET IT!  
ROXY: alsooooo  
ROXY: WHAT r u goin 2 WEAR?????  
KARKAT: WEAR? WELL...  
ROXY: if u hate that tunic thing so much  
ROXY: then take it off

Nigh-catatonic, you take the offending article off. Now there are only an undershirt, trousers and modest underwear between your fresh, virgin body and AN INCREDIBLY AMOROUS ROXY LALONDE.

*****FUCKING HELL*****

Okay. You've got this. You are KARKAT VANTAS, and you are SMOOTH AS FUCK. Just talk. About anything! Uh... ah!

KARKAT: ROXY, I'VE BEEN THINKING...  
ROXY: ooh?  
ROXY: tell me more, tell me more ;)  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW THE DIRK IN JAKE'S HEAD?  
ROXY: yeaa  
KARKAT: IF WE GOT JAKE'S HOPE UP ENOUGH, COULD HE END UP MAKING THE DIRK REAL?  
ROXY: i guess  
ROXY: maaaan talk about a turnoff tho

... you fucked up.

Back on topic:

KARKAT: ROXY, I GET IT.  
KARKAT: YOU WISH FOR US TO ENGAGE IN SOME VARIETY OF BIZARRE INTERSPECIES SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.  
KARKAT: CAN WE JUST CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY?

You really hope she didn't notice the trembling in your voice there.

ROXY: pff ur no fun  
ROXY: youd better be more fun when were doin it  
KARKAT: OH, I WILL BE.  
ROXY: will you?  
KARKAT: MORE FUN THAN A WIGGLERS' PLAYGROUND WITH TOWERING CLAMBER FRAMES AND MASSIVE SLIDE CHUTES AND THOSE SPINNY THINGS THAT GO REALLY FAST.  
ROXY: you gonna prove it??  
KARKAT: YOU BET.

You have absolutely no idea what the fuck you are doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have made myself cry several times during the writing of this. Especially during the writing of Dave and Rose's deaths.  
> FUN FACT #1: Watching [this video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbkPIOIIdzw) does NOT help assuage Strilonde feels.  
> FUN FACT #2: Neither does reading the section about their deaths while listening to [this track](http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=wPfUy4j9V7c), which was what I was listening to while writing it. BAD COMBINATION  
> FUN FACT #3: _Neither of the above fun facts are fun at all._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic getting updated for once? Isn't that... spooky?  
> Well, at least this fic's hiatus wasn't as long as the Gigapause.  
> I'd love to update this more often, and I've certainly got a lot of ideas for this particular universe, but I'm into my last year of school and hence busy practically 24/7 with lifey stuff.  
> But at least this chapter's done now. And, as I keep writing the chapters out of order, a good portion of Chapter 4 is done as well -- hopefully to be published around December at the latest.  
> Enjoy!

> Be absolutely astonished.

Once again, you are KARKAT VANTAS. And "absolutely astonished" is practically a synonym for you right now.

You've lived past the end of multiple universes. You've gone from leader of the last of your kind to leader of some imbeciles in a kitchen, with too many people to count hell-bent on making your life a misery.

Yet somehow, even here, you've somehow stumbled onto absolute bliss. Here you are, living a possibility you never thought could be true, waking up beside someone who loves you. 

Someone who is now waking up as well.

ROXY: oh look its your weird gray troll chest again  
ROXY: hello again weird gray troll chest  
KARKAT: I REPEAT: THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH MY CHEST?  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY IF I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH YOUR ANSWER LAST NIGHT! I FIND IT A *LITTLE* HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN SOMEONE'S HAND IS ON MY--  
ROXY: theres nothin wrong with ur chest  
ROXY: its just weird that its gray is all  
KARKAT: YES, BECAUSE IT IS THE NORM FOR ALL TROLLS TO HAVE SPARKLY GOLD CHESTS!!!  
ROXY: wouldnt be surprised with her divinity  
ROXY: half expectin her to bring the troll race alive w/ BLING SKIN  
KARKAT: THANK EVERY FUCKING DEITY IN EXISTENCE, WHICH I GUESS IS LITERALLY JUST HER THESE DAYS, THAT SHE DIDN'T.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING IT TO BE?????  
ROXY: just sort of  
ROXY: a chest  
KARKAT: YES, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS! CURIOSITY SATISFIED???  
ROXY: oh yes  
ROXY: never been more satisfied in my life ;)  
ROXY: u gonna have a shower tho or wat  
KARKAT: GOTTA GET DRESSED FIRST. CAN'T GO TREKKING OFF TO THE HYGIENE BLOCKS LIKE THIS.  
ROXY: no prob  
ROXY: i got one right here  
KARKAT: ... YOU HAVE A SHOWER??? LIKE, ENSUITE????  
ROXY: yup  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, YOU LIVE IN FUCKING LUXURY!!!  
ROXY: oh yeahhh  
ROXY: im the only empress in here  
ROXY: make way for her exquisite roxiness  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT THEN, YOUR IMPERIOUS ROXINESS, MAY I USE YOUR IMPERIAL SHOWER?  
ROXY: certainly loyal subject ;)  
KARKAT: OH, I'M A ***SUBJECT***, AM I?  
KARKAT: EXCUSE ME, I GET TO BE EMPEROR AT LEAST.  
ROXY: emperor and empress?  
ROXY: movin a bit fast there dontcha think  
KARKAT: HUH?  
ROXY: oh just go have a shower  
ROXY: ill get in after youve finished  
ROXY: or maybe before ;)  
KARKAT: IF YOU DO, MAKE IT QUICK, I GOTTA COOK EARLY NUTRITION.  
KARKAT: AND BEFORE I GO...  
KARKAT: CAN WE HAVE A PRIVATE MEETING?  
KARKAT: LIKE, HALF AN HOUR BEFORE THE MEETING WE ARRANGE TODAY. WHATEVER TIME THAT ENDS UP BEING.  
KARKAT: JUST US.  
ROXY: ooh la la!  
ROXY: whatever could it be for? :o  
KARKAT: THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.  
KARKAT: IN PRIVATE.  
KARKAT: AND THERE'S NO TIME FOR IT NOW.  
KARKAT: IT'S ABOUT JAKE.  
KARKAT: I'VE BEE--  
ROXY: you said you didnt have time  
ROXY: it can wait  
KARKAT: B--  
ROXY: SHOWER  
ROXY: NOW  
ROXY: or ill hit u with a pillow  
ROXY: and a pillow fights gonna waste even MOARRRR time  
ROXY: dont want that do we  
KARKAT: FINE.

***

> Be half an hour early.

You look up and down the corridor to see if someone's coming. Most of the people around here are harmless, too busy working or moaning about work to betray you, but the last thing you want to do is rouse suspicion.

All clear. You dart into the little cupboard where you customarily meet -- sure enough, there's Roxy, sitting cross-legged on her pink cushion from yesterday.

ROXY: KARKEY  
KARKAT: KARKEY?!  
ROXY: ....  
ROXY: wow  
ROXY: nickname failure  
ROXY: car key???  
KARKAT: I WOULD BE ***INTENSELY FUCKING EUPHORIC*** IF YOU IMMEDIATELY DROPPED THAT NICKNAME FROM YOUR REPERTOIRE.  
KARKAT: PREFERABLY OFF A CLIFF, WITH DEADLY SPIKES BELOW.  
ROXY: yeahhhhh  
ROXY: anyway  
ROXY: stuff needs gettin done  
KARKAT: YES.  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: SO.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN THINKING.  
ROXY: :O  
ROXY: nooooo waaaay!!!  
ROXY: omg karkat i didnt know u could do that!  
KARKAT: SHUT UP.  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN THINKING, WHICH IS A REGULAR OCCURRENCE FOR ME.  
ROXY: hehe  
ROXY: about jake?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: AND DIRK.  
ROXY: ooo!  
ROXY: go on then  
KARKAT: JAKE'S PAGE OF HOPE POWERS...  
KARKAT: WE CAN TRY TO UNLOCK THEM. WE CAN MAKE DIRK REAL. DIDN'T YOU SAY HE ONCE BROUGHT DERSE TO ITS KNEES SINGLEHANDEDLY?  
ROXY: yeah...  
KARKAT: THEN HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET US OUT OF HERE.  
KARKAT: OVERTHROW THE CONDESCE AND LET US START AGAIN!  
ROXY: yeah no  
ROXY: i wish but thats kinda unrealistic  
KARKAT: BUT... IF HE CAN BRING DIRK INTO EXISTENCE, HE COULD PROBABLY DO A WHOLE LOAD OF OTHER THINGS, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: THINGS THAT MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO DEFEAT THE IMPERIAL FAMILY.  
ROXY: kark  
ROXY: they tried unlocking his powers loadsa times  
ROXY: big machines and daily injections and scary looking science  
ROXY: meddling with hormones and shit  
ROXY: did him no good at all and jane just ended up sayin  
ROXY: fuck it, it aint worth the trouble  
ROXY: so what can we do that cutting edge science cant  
KARKAT: I THINK THEY WERE TRYING THE WRONG WAY.  
KARKAT: REMEMBER WE WERE JUST STARTING WITH OUR MEETINGS AT THE TIME? AND HE'D TURN UP BARELY EVEN ABLE TO TALK.  
ROXY: yeah  
ROXY: guess its no surprise it didnt work  
ROXY: how the fuck is terrifyin him outta his mind gonna give him hope  
KARKAT: THAT'S EXACTLY IT!  
KARKAT: OUR TITLES DON'T REALLY SEEM TO BE BASED ON SCIENCE. THEY'RE MORE ABOUT PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, AS FAR AS MY EXPERIENCE GOES.  
KARKAT: WHICH ISN'T FAR, AS MY POWERS NEVER DID A FUCKING THING! IF I EVEN HAD ANY IN THE FIRST PLACE!  
ROXY: ur right tho  
ROXY: thats how i went with my powers  
ROXY: shame i didnt work out i could just slip out of prison  
ROXY: until it was too late :(  
KARKAT: YEAH...  
KARKAT: JAKE'S POWERS IN PARTICULAR WORK ON BELIEF, RIGHT?  
ROXY: right  
KARKAT: EXCEPT HE'S PROBABLY PRETTY LOW ON THE SELF-BELIEF RIGHT NOW, SO THERE'S NO CHANCE OF HIS POWERS GETTING UNLOCKED.  
ROXY: yeah...  
ROXY: ur gonna suggest we try and make him feel better bout himself right  
ROXY: get the hopings up  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
ROXY: how  
KARKAT: WELL...  
ROXY: well what  
ROXY: were stuck on spaceship shitville  
ROXY: cos of someone who is LITERALLY OMNISCIENT  
KARKAT: ONLY MOSTLY.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW SHE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT JAKE.  
KARKAT: WHICH MEANS SHE USUALLY DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER TO THINK ABOUT HIM.  
ROXY: still  
ROXY: if her crockercension gets suspicious  
ROXY: and her divinity investigates  
ROXY: then we are fucked for evermore  
KARKAT: THEN WE'VE GOT TO DO IT SUBTLY.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, SUBTLETY? EVER HEARD OF IT? WOULDN'T THINK SO!  
ROXY: AHAHAHAHA  
ROXY: can not believe YOU r tellin me to be subtle  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL, FUCK YOU.  
ROXY: subtlety is my specialty  
ROXY: i can be super discreet and inconspicuous to tha MAX  
ROXY: just give me the go ahead and VOILA  
ROXY: ROLAL SUPER SPY  
KARKAT: ROXY, THAT WAS THE LEAST SUBTLE DESCRIPTION OF SUBTLETY I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY HIGHLY UNSUBTLE LIFE.  
ROXY: yeah well fuck YOU  
ROXY: (<3)  
ROXY: but srsly what are we even gonna do  
ROXY: what can we do  
ROXY: the guy is treated like shit  
ROXY: got it worse than any of the slaves  
KARKAT: WE CAN DISTRACT HIM.  
ROXY: ohhh yeahhh  
ROXY: distract him from jane making his life hell every fucking day  
ROXY: its not gonna work  
KARKAT: BUT WE CAN!  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IN THESE MEETINGS, SOMETIMES EVEN I CAN FORGET ABOUT HOW MUCH MY LIFE SUCKS.  
KARKAT: ALSO, THE GUY'S DUMB AS A BRICK. ACTUALLY, NO, HALF A BRICK.  
ROXY: :/  
KARKAT: ROXY, THAT IS OBJECTIVE TRUTH TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS HIM.  
ROXY: fair enuff  
ROXY: still  
ROXY: we cant exactly keep him away from jane  
ROXY: or shell know somethings up  
ROXY: and then ALL IS ROYALLY SCREWED 4EVS  
ROXY: so shes still gotta be around  
ROXY: still fuckin his life up every day  
ROXY: how is he gonna cheer up like that  
KARKAT: EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS HELP. DAY TO DAY.  
KARKAT: LIKE, SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO HIM. OR THROWING A PARTY AND HAVING A GOOD TIME FOR ONCE. EVEN JUST SMILING.  
KARKAT: IT HELPS. REALLY.  
ROXY: it does?  
KARKAT: OF COURSE IT FUCKING WELL DOES!!!!  
KARKAT: MY LIFE WOULD BE *ABSOLUTE SHIT* IF YOU DIDN'T DO ALL YOU DO FOR ME. I WOULD HAVE NOTHING! LITERALLY NOTHING!  
KARKAT: OF COURSE, IT'S STILL SHIT, BUT AT LEAST IT DOESN'T SMELL AS BAD.  
KARKAT: SO, I GUESS, THANK YOU FOR BEING THE SLIGHT PLEASING FRAGRANCE IN THE TURD THAT IS MY LIFE.  
ROXY: awwww kitkat!  
ROXY: that is the most adorable and fuckin gross metaphor ever  
ROXY: so  
ROXY: is that what we do for j then?  
ROXY: freshen up his turd  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: AND MAYBE ONE DAY HE'LL BE ALRIGHT.  
ROXY: hopefully  
ROXY: hehe  
KARKAT: JUST ONE THING.  
KARKAT: DO WE TELL HIM WE'RE DOING IT?  
ROXY: hmmm  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT'S BEST IF WE DON'T.  
KARKAT: IF WE DO IT SLOWLY, MAYBE TO HIM IT'LL FEEL LIKE HE'S REALIZING HIS LIFE ISN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL?  
KARKAT: RATHER THAN LIKE US TRYING TOO HARD FOR HIM.  
KARKAT: BESIDES, IT'S JUST A GOOD THING TO DO ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: GOOD FOR HIM, AND ALL OF US IF IT WORKS OUT.  
ROXY: i guess  
KARKAT: THIS STILL FEELS WRONG, THOUGH.  
KARKAT: LIKE WE'RE USING HIM.  
ROXY: but its like you said  
ROXY: its in a good way  
ROXY: + only 4 good things  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT.  
KARKAT: HE SHOULD BE TURNING UP SOON  
KARKAT: SUBTLETY, REMEMBER?  
ROXY: here he co--  
KANAYA: Hello  
ROXY: oh hey kan!  
KANAYA: I Must Profess I Have Had Quite The Idea  
KANAYA: Concerning Jakes Hope Powers  
KANAYA: And How They May Potentially Be Utilized In Pursuing Our Liberation  
ROXY: reeeeeeeally  
KARKAT: DOES IT INVOLVE IMPROVING HIS LIFE AS MUCH AS WE CAN SO WE GIVE HIM HOPE AND UNLOCK HIS POWERS?  
ROXY: and then freein dirk + doing stuff w/ hopey powers to get rid of bitchdesenscions and g us tfo of this shithole??  
KANAYA: Ah  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: As The Saying Goes  
KANAYA: Advanced Consciousnesses Contemplate Similarly Amongst Themselves  
KARKAT: HUH?  
KANAYA: I Believe The Human Equivalent Is  
KANAYA: Great Minds Think Alike  
ROXY: ohhhh  
ROXY: hehe  
ROXY: u so wordy  
KANAYA: May We Proceed Onto A Less Verbose Path Of Discussion  
KANAYA: I Think I Saw Jake Approaching When I Was On My Way  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT  
ROXY: we cant tell him bout this plan  
KANAYA: Why Not  
ROXY: works better that way  
KANAYA: Im Not So Sure About That  
KARKAT: LOOK, HAVE YOUR HEATED FUCKING DEBATES LATER, HERE HE COMES!  
ROXY: alright alright  
ROXY: lets just be nice ok  
KANAYA: Agreed  
JAKE: Good morning folks.  
KARKAT: HI JAKE.  
JAKE: I havent missed much have i? Being late to the party? As much as one can call this a party of course.  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: No  
ROXY: nothin at all  
JAKE: Smashing.  
DIRK: Something feels different.  
JAKE: Shush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shame I couldn't have written something ~SPOOKIER~ for Halloween. But hey, it's something.


End file.
